Well abusing shopping carts |
Phoenix, Arizona — The Center for Prevention of Shopping Cart Abuse today announced that Bob Crane, an entertainer best known for his role as a sassy World War II POW on the television show Hogan’s Heroes, is responsible for recent large scale destruction of Shopping Carts in the southwestern United States. The news is particularly stunning as Mr. Crane was presumed to have been bludgeoned to death in 1978. New evidence released by The Center details how the actor used a complicated and seemingly crazy scheme to fake his own death. His success was aided by a series of bumbling errors made by local law enforcement officials. With the presumption of his death Mr. Crane was free to operate unfettered in the seedy underworld of Shopping Cart abuse.
“We can now say with 100% certainty that Bob Crane is very much alive and very active performing sick, fetishistic acts that defile Carts,†said Tracy Spooner, The Center’s lead investigator on the case.
Rumors about a secret life of Cart abuse dogged the performer in the years following the cancellation of Hogan’s Heroes. Tabloids hinted at parties hosted by Crane where Shopping Carts were arranged to form a hexagon on the shag carpet in his living room. Guests were invited to dump buckets of camel urine on the already rusting innocents. Cast members on the show recall how Crane and Werner Klempinger, who played the naive but laughable Nazi camp commandant, would disappear into the dressing room for hours together.
“We would just hear zem laughing and zen hear wheels squeaking and ze sound of the blowtorch being lit,†said Robert Clary, who played Le Beau on the show, “But they were not making crème brulée in zer. That is all I can say.â€
With the supposed death of Bob Crane the sordid stories became an unsubstantiated side note in entertainment lore. Then in early 2000 The Center began collecting reports of wayward teens congregating at raves hosted by an older, dark-haired gentleman in a plush, leopard-skin robe. The parties allegedly involved migrant workers paid to dress up in leather chaps, cardigan sweaters and monocles and herd teams of heavy burros over Shopping Carts. Agents from The Center spent two years infiltrating the inner-ring of the party organizers. Eventually they were able to secretly snap photos of the fleeting host. These photos were compared to images uncovered in an underground vault at a house previously owned by the actor. A computer analysis confirmed what everyone feared; Bob Crane is alive, well and abusing Shopping Carts.
Backtracking from this discovery, investigators unearthed how Mr. Crane had used a body double in his Scottsdale, Arizona apartment where he was supposedly murdered. A thorough search of his bedroom revealed a tunnel under the bed. The actor used this for what he thought would be his final exit.
It is believed Mr. Crane was somehow tipped off to the encircling investigation and fled to Texas or Mexico. There are leads that he may be living under the alias Robert Crane. The Center is welcoming any tips that could lead to the apprehension of this wayward soldier.
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